Friday, May 25, 2012

Limitations: Accepting

Ugh. It's so frustrating to be "losing" all of this Spring to the nausea (and, turns out, severe anemia - but I'm getting weekly IV iron to fix that all up). It's too easy to set myself up for this frustration by the long habit of full mental to-do lists, and the bar is so stinkin' low these days.

Little projects are happening. I'm not going to be able to do a whole garden this year. For one thing, I never started tomato seeds. I'll just plant what I can, and let the other beds have a fallow year, or aim for doing better at planting in July/August for winter crops than I always do. Thankfully the peas are coming up relatively well, as we always really enjoy snow/snap peas and I'd hate for the family to miss that. And the herbs are amazing again this year. I had a day where I needed to stay outside all day to babysit the goats, and I was able to sit on the sides of the garden beds (thank heaven for raised beds) and weed them all, so they look empty but nice.

The kitchen job is perking along as well. When I feel up to it, I can sometimes get in an hour or so of sanding. We're sanding off the textured paint on one wall of the kitchen where it needs to be smooth for our goal paint look. Oh I do love to watch it go. Almost as thrilling as when I scraped the popcorn off the bedroom ceiling!

Sadly, a setback. I've not finished waxing the cupboards yet, although that too is making progress, and the tops of all the cupboards have a dark edge that goes down about 3/4 inch. At first I thought The Patriarch had been less than careful while prepping the ceiling for paint (sorry sweetie) but no, looks like I didn't get all the greasiness when I prepped the top of the cupboards and it took awhile to seep through. What a mess! I'm kind of ignoring it a bit while I consider what to do. I used a strong degreaser and really thought I'd gotten it all.

This is standardized testing time of year, and my children take two separate sorts of tests. Gareth and Tarquin are finished with their proctored-online test, Clara did the PSAT earlier (which counts in our state for standardized testing for the year), and I have yet to administer an IOWA for Araminta and Lucinda. Nigel is finished with his first year of university - so exciting that he'll be a senior next year. And Sophia just has a couple of weeks left before her graduation from homeschool high school and receiving her AA.

So yes, everything is super busy. But there are so many days where driving to pick Sophia up and doing some math and reading with Tarquin, plus answering questions/mini lessons with the others are the only things I do, and that feels horrible. It feels like there's a big mountain of undone tasks that are sliding inch by inch toward smooshing us. People are so kind and ask all the time if there's anything they can do to help, but the stuff that weighs on my mind is just stuff I should have done long ago that would make the tough times (like now) easier, and I didn't. Impossible to say, "Why yes, thanks for asking, would you mind decluttering the family room?" "Sure, thanks for offering. Here's a two foot stack of paperwork. Probably most of it doesn't need to be kept".

So the trick is to just be OK with what I can do. What else is there? The Zofran does help somewhat, like a volume knob being turned down a bit. I can still "hear the music" but it's not as loud. I've been told by others with this lymphoma that in full remission, the nausea goes away, so there is a possible end to that. I have to have real reliance that not only is there a purpose in my life for this, but a purpose for each of my family, as well. And I do feel that in general, deeply, but the working-out-my-faith part comes in handling the daily frustration of just not getting anything done!

1 comment:

~Aunt Mae (aka ~Mrs. R) said...

Greetings My Shady Fifth Friend!
Do not agonize over what you are not able to accomplish in this season of your life for this too shall pass. Look above the cluttered family room to all the training you did with those lovely daughters who can now take over the cooking and cleaning. Or the training in work that makes your son cheerful while he gets balanced upon by the goat. Or... There will always be 'more' we could have done, but what would we have been sacrificing in order to get 'it' accomplished?

Praying for full remission!
Blessings, ~Aunt Mae (aka ~Mrs. R)