Sunday, August 15, 2010

Tonight my heart needs remodeling

This afternoon sweet Sophia decided it was time to finish up our "inspiration board". We'd all found pictures that represented our dreams for the new house - my sister had suggested this to keep us going forward when energy lagged. Sophia did a beautiful job, finding really special pictures to add, and putting up captions that represented the dream. When she was done, she used sticky tack and we put it on a hall wall that we pass by oh-so-often. We all gathered around and loved it - little Tarquin wanted to be lifted up and signed hugging his favorite pictures of himself holding a baby goat.

Then this evening, as I was doing a tedious homeschool related job online, I popped over to the listing on Redfin just to refresh myself. And . . . and . . . it says, "sale pending". I'm crying again just typing that out.

This house - my heart had moved in there. We house hunted for our current house for a really long time, and I have never had this falling in love with a property and the potential of a house and the feel of it like this. This is so sad tonight.

I shake myself mentally. Honestly, I am scolding myself about contentment, and being grateful for all of my many blessings, and even having a house like we do. But oh, ouch. Oh ouch. I wish we hadn't seen the dream house, hadn't fallen in love. I did initially try to play down the possibility of our moving to the children, but The Patriarch drove them past it and they fell in love immediately as well. Now I feel so terrible about having spoken excitement about the dreams. I can't imagine that we will ever be able to move to such a place now that The Dream House has sold. It had sat on the market for over 3 years, which was why the price had come down, down, down to where, with the interest rates so irrationally low, we could afford this place that, while it had many horrible cosmetic problems, had such potential for everything we wanted. In our area, housing prices are hideous and this house was underpriced, for sure.

Some things here that would've bothered me more, I have been easy about in the last couple of months while I thought we might be moving. When we moved in here 13 years ago, we had a lovely lake view out the back. A few years back, the neighbor inbetween us and the view subdivided and put up another big home, but no problem, it only blocked a wee bit of the view. Well, that guy decided to go into a little selling boats business from his yard. More of a problem. His boats blocked a lot of the view. And then starting last year, he apparently thought it would be a good idea to protect those boats with those stupid tarp/PVC structures. And now, starting about a month ago, he is building a HUGE two story garage thing. Lake view? Gone. Totally gone. It was always one of the saving graces of this house, to be able to look out the back and see a lake. Now we have the lovely restful view of 6 or 7 tarps over boats and some huge garage monstrosity. So tomorrow morning, it is going to be harder to look out the window, as I've been thinking, "gosh I'll be glad to get away from that". I was just so sure. So sure that we could do it - could get changes made quickly enough. After all, the dream house had sat there for over 3 years. It didn't feel unreasonable for the listing to last a few more months if we moved quickly on this house.

I couldn't sleep. I didn't even begin to know how to get to sleep. My mind just kept going back to that house, to the plans for this spot on the stairs and that corner of the kitchen, to the fruit trees and the children's hopes. So I thought I'd put down some sadness here and try again. My pneumonia doesn't seem to be getting much better yet; I really need to get to sleep.

Plan: cough syrup, then think of something altogether removed. I've been doing school planning all day today; burnt out on that topic. Nothing remotely connected with the current situation. Maybe I'll try to plan out fall sewing needs in my head. That's a plan. Goodnight.


caulistats said...

PRAY. The sale is pending, not final. If God wants your family to have the house, He can certainly save it for you. If He has something better planned for you, then you don't want the house anyway.

I'm so sorry you're hurting. That's especially tough when you're sick.

I'll be praying that God's will be done in this situation! AND that you can get some good rest and get healthy again!


Kimberly said...

Thanks. You're right - and other sister had originally, when she was here, said that we might need to view this as a huge wake up call, a great opportunity we missed by not being ready. To light a fire under us to do what is needed in this place.

I think I'll blog about that ;-)

caulistats said...

Yes, I was thinking too that you should not be discouraged from continuing to plug away at your projects. If this sale falls through, maybe you'll be ready to jump on it. And even if it's not this house, you want to be ready when something else wonderful comes along! (And there will be other opportunities in this market, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.)

Anonymous said...

Please don't lose inspiration! I know you felt that place was where you longed to be, but I hope you'll keep working on preparing for the next opportunity. Even if that opportunity ends up being in your own (beautiful) back yard.

That said, I am very sorry that your heart is sore.